As the rain hits my window sill, my tears hit the pillow and it feels as though the rain Gods are mimicking me. There is a crazy thunder storm in the New York sky tonight and an even more unsettling storm in my heart. On an island with almost 2 million people, how can someone feel so alone? Why is it that when we think we have figured out what we want, we don't get it, and then are left to figure it all out again. It was just a job. A job that I, as intelligent and personable as I am, wink wink, do not have enough experience for. So now a new plan is needed. I mentally cannot serve in a bar here any longer. Going to sleep at 5am, getting up to go to work again, missing the daylight, not working out, not living, not laughing... I had completely forgotten why I moved to this amazing city in the first place. I need to see the sun, meet people, be a part of the lively hood that this city offers. Thanks to a visit from two women back home, I was able to explore with them and remind myself that there is an exciting world here and I need to make myself a part of it. This job would have allowed me to do this- but that's done now, feel it and let it go Jamie- make a new plan and get on it. As my mom said to me today- "the difference between a dream and a goal is a plan" so I better get 'er done! Through my tearful vision I received very touching (and sometimes funny) messages from the most amazing of my loved ones:
Gina: I know you're very sad today, it's okay to cry, kick, scream, let it all out! Tomorrow will be a bright new day perfect for finding the job of your dreams. Oh don't think of yourself as unemployed, you are a free spirit college graduate! Now go walk down Wall Street, find yourself a sugar daddy & start your own innovations company that will blow that other non job offering company out of the water! Hey you are in NY, anything can happen! Love you tons.. oh and if you need me to kick some ass, I'll be on the next plane, XO!
Stef: That just means there will be something better that comes along or at a better time. Anyway you're not supposed to have a real job yet. Trust me there is no turning back after that. You have your whole life to have a real job. Chin up... move it:)
Michael: LOVE IS NECESSARY! A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm okay" and smile. Change is coming. Sadness and hard times are over. Live, laugh, love, and don't let anyone steal your joy. I love you kid! You'll be OK!
Cherish: Listen, what you have done already in your life is an accomplishment. Do you know that most people don't even graduate from college! Remember when I tried to get that job with ITT? Thought I nailed it, but no, needed more experience. Well listen bitches, if you don't hire us, how can we have fucking experience? lol You haven't been in NY for much more than 3 months, you gotta give it time. You went there for an experience. I never once heard you say career! Live it girl.. your age means nothing! And smile...cuz you're cute!
Ten hours of crying and a bottle of wine later, one of my most favorite people in the world called... Deja:) Ending the night with a long conversation with her and I was able to fall asleep, tear free.
I'm sorry you didn't get the job :( Trust me, I think we are ALL feeling these emotions right now and are all in turmoil because none of us are quite in the place we envisioned/wanted to be at this moment. But think of how boring it would be if we knew EXACTLY how it would all turn out? Here's to excitement! haha
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